*sigh* Life's just been..I don't know...I just don't feel joy anymore. I was happy for about 15 minutes today and I thought I never felt this good for a while..and then it was gone. Typically I think that bad things far outweight the good thing in life.
Have you ever looked in a pool of water? Its amazing how you see yourself, how people see you..but rather you start to question whether or not that is you..in the water. Instead you throw a rock in it and disfigure the image and slowly walk away. But you come back to it again and there it is you again..but somehow it just doesn't feel right and you stomp at it this time and yell and scream and shout. Solely because that reflection remind you of who you are, what you've done. I am that sole reflection..I don't want to know my bad choices but I'm embedded with them. You can stomp on me and shout but Cyrus in the end I'm still there. You can't get rid of me...bad things will always happen and you will always make bad choices. I'm the opposite of you. You can hit yourself, Cyrus but no matter what you will always exist on one side of the reflection and I the other. When, you see me..I remind you of your guilt, your pains, your lies, your foolishness, and your stupidty. But I do it for you to become stronger. You may hate me throw me away forget about me even take that precious "mind" away from your very body..but You and me will still exist. As long as one still remains the other is just a reflection. So..Cyrus, I'm not a reflection of you but rather you are the reflection of me on the pool of water.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Shot through the heart...and I'm to blame.
sigh...warning I have no idea where this blog is going.
Well let's see all good grades except one and then it was like bam....everything I worked hard for was gone in an instant all of it gone. I felt lost, confused, angry, sad, depressed. I really didn't know what was left for me to live on.A good friend caught this emotion on the way back home. Her eyes said "cheer up kid" My heart yelled"its pointless...you've lost.." I admit I was depressed for 48 hours, I don't mind saying that. But..I felt so worthless, pathetic, nothing seemed to matter at that very moment. Life just lost all its meaning. Then My dad came up and said "don't worry about this one.....focus on the SAT the true test." I didn't lighten up....my soul, determination,hard work was all gone. I questioned whether trying in that class was worth it..I had lowered to almost nothing. But something had forced me up on feet....it was hope, strength and my determination. It said How are you goign to know if you've improved if you haven't even tried. I wake up the next morning determined to work harder..but that scar still burned..and it will always burn in my heart.
Well let's see all good grades except one and then it was like bam....everything I worked hard for was gone in an instant all of it gone. I felt lost, confused, angry, sad, depressed. I really didn't know what was left for me to live on.A good friend caught this emotion on the way back home. Her eyes said "cheer up kid" My heart yelled"its pointless...you've lost.." I admit I was depressed for 48 hours, I don't mind saying that. But..I felt so worthless, pathetic, nothing seemed to matter at that very moment. Life just lost all its meaning. Then My dad came up and said "don't worry about this one.....focus on the SAT the true test." I didn't lighten up....my soul, determination,hard work was all gone. I questioned whether trying in that class was worth it..I had lowered to almost nothing. But something had forced me up on feet....it was hope, strength and my determination. It said How are you goign to know if you've improved if you haven't even tried. I wake up the next morning determined to work harder..but that scar still burned..and it will always burn in my heart.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Random thoughts/ destiny
So here I am its 10 o'clock my mind is aching like crazy. I should be sleeping but yet I'm here blogging oh well. Well let's see exams weren't that bad saying I got some pretty good grades so I'm pretty happy about that. Myers Park was the fun a little dissapointed I didn't break but whatever.
But this isn't the purpose of this blogpost. Wait, let's go back a little bit in time to one day in carpool. When the unexpected question hit me.
"Do you actually go out with her?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"no..it's just do you actually go out with her"
This simple question led to a debate in the car...just great not what I wanted. When was this oh right the Thursday before leaving for Myers. Jeez..with midterms and myers park on my mind the last thing I want to worry about is my relationship. Of course we are both happy..but I think you can figure out your own question yourself. So sorry for not telling you anything..it's just I don't see what your point was in making the question but that's the past and you probbably forgot about so let's move on.
Today was a very good day, I would say got good exam grades and had fun at a-team with good friends. But, all of the sudden my heart...it just felt...empty... I'm sure it's because I'm tired and all the late night staying up "oh crap I need to cram this" is taking its toll on me. But yet Life still seems to take its akward routes no matter what is going on the world. An example
"Hey, do you remember the conversation we had yesterday _insert name here_"
I turn and look
Person respons"about _insert subect?"
"no"
"insert another subject"
"no"
"about cyrus?"
woah woah woah wait a minute.....akward much? Life just laughed at me in the face today when I was worried about my Bio grade. Life said "hey here's a 100 kid good job!" and laughed. And yet here I am a perfectly normal kid, living a perfectly normal(scratch that out) life. But, have you ever wondered why were you born? or hey guys look i have thoughts and feelings and i don't even remember the beggining 3(sorry 4 for some of us, don't worry for me it wasn't until 7 ish) years of our lives. Let's face it Life is weird that's just how it is, why we are here what's our purpose I don't know, People waste their lives thinking on this. Seriously, if you're here you better enjoy be glad you weren't born 100 years earlier.
Yet, life also gives crossfires: Your choices in life, your relations, your actions, your thoughts, your friends all of these describe you and affect you. But hey everyone says Life's a game and you need to play it. Very true, but you have to play it wisely kid..cus if you don't you've got nothing but holes in your pockets(if you guys don't understand what that means look at poker).
"We cannot change the cards we are given..............Just how we play them"-the Last Lecture.
When I look at my life...I have no idea how did I end up at this point...why didn't my parents just decide to stay in China? why was I born first? Why do I question the unsolveable question of life? And I bet if you take a look at your life, you probbably have some questions too..you just have to look deep enough.
As for Destiny? yeah I know where I want to go question is can i get there? Parents always say yeah you can if you really try? But how much trying do I need to achieve my goal and even more deeply do I know my goal?
Me ranting about my match
gami kid "cyrus...relax its over you can't do anythig about it"
That's right I can't do anything so was that my destiny? to fail?
"Cyrus, LIfe is a game if you screw up once there is no going back there is no restart button..its Game over"-Max Yang. I know dad but how can I make sure I don't screw myself up? How..can I judge the outcomes of an action(let's look at this as you can't tell whether its a good or bad idea". I guess I'll just have to follow myself.
I just read a friends blog about love and guys being blind. I'm going to address both. Guys are already blind..at least i know I am. not physically but mentally. I don't fully understand myself yet. and Until that point in which I can fully understand my actions and my thoughts I won't be able to follow my quote on quote "Streetlights" . As for Love I say let it come and let it go..no use of crying over a broken relationship..but always embrace a new one.
I'm sorry for this guys..these are just random thoughts I have while I type..I promise a better blog latter.
When will I stop relying on people? When? Yes I know that sometimes you have to rely on others. But relying on them all the time isn't good either. I have to light my own flame not rely on the sticks of others. So here we go..its time to light my own flame..over this 4 day weekend I'm going to understand myself better.
I know where I'm going. I just can't get there. Not yet,I need to light those lamps with my own flame. Then I can go down the path..where that leads. Only my flame can tell.
But this isn't the purpose of this blogpost. Wait, let's go back a little bit in time to one day in carpool. When the unexpected question hit me.
"Do you actually go out with her?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"no..it's just do you actually go out with her"
This simple question led to a debate in the car...just great not what I wanted. When was this oh right the Thursday before leaving for Myers. Jeez..with midterms and myers park on my mind the last thing I want to worry about is my relationship. Of course we are both happy..but I think you can figure out your own question yourself. So sorry for not telling you anything..it's just I don't see what your point was in making the question but that's the past and you probbably forgot about so let's move on.
Today was a very good day, I would say got good exam grades and had fun at a-team with good friends. But, all of the sudden my heart...it just felt...empty... I'm sure it's because I'm tired and all the late night staying up "oh crap I need to cram this" is taking its toll on me. But yet Life still seems to take its akward routes no matter what is going on the world. An example
"Hey, do you remember the conversation we had yesterday _insert name here_"
I turn and look
Person respons"about _insert subect?"
"no"
"insert another subject"
"no"
"about cyrus?"
woah woah woah wait a minute.....akward much? Life just laughed at me in the face today when I was worried about my Bio grade. Life said "hey here's a 100 kid good job!" and laughed. And yet here I am a perfectly normal kid, living a perfectly normal(scratch that out) life. But, have you ever wondered why were you born? or hey guys look i have thoughts and feelings and i don't even remember the beggining 3(sorry 4 for some of us, don't worry for me it wasn't until 7 ish) years of our lives. Let's face it Life is weird that's just how it is, why we are here what's our purpose I don't know, People waste their lives thinking on this. Seriously, if you're here you better enjoy be glad you weren't born 100 years earlier.
Yet, life also gives crossfires: Your choices in life, your relations, your actions, your thoughts, your friends all of these describe you and affect you. But hey everyone says Life's a game and you need to play it. Very true, but you have to play it wisely kid..cus if you don't you've got nothing but holes in your pockets(if you guys don't understand what that means look at poker).
"We cannot change the cards we are given..............Just how we play them"-the Last Lecture.
When I look at my life...I have no idea how did I end up at this point...why didn't my parents just decide to stay in China? why was I born first? Why do I question the unsolveable question of life? And I bet if you take a look at your life, you probbably have some questions too..you just have to look deep enough.
As for Destiny? yeah I know where I want to go question is can i get there? Parents always say yeah you can if you really try? But how much trying do I need to achieve my goal and even more deeply do I know my goal?
Me ranting about my match
gami kid "cyrus...relax its over you can't do anythig about it"
That's right I can't do anything so was that my destiny? to fail?
"Cyrus, LIfe is a game if you screw up once there is no going back there is no restart button..its Game over"-Max Yang. I know dad but how can I make sure I don't screw myself up? How..can I judge the outcomes of an action(let's look at this as you can't tell whether its a good or bad idea". I guess I'll just have to follow myself.
I just read a friends blog about love and guys being blind. I'm going to address both. Guys are already blind..at least i know I am. not physically but mentally. I don't fully understand myself yet. and Until that point in which I can fully understand my actions and my thoughts I won't be able to follow my quote on quote "Streetlights" . As for Love I say let it come and let it go..no use of crying over a broken relationship..but always embrace a new one.
I'm sorry for this guys..these are just random thoughts I have while I type..I promise a better blog latter.
When will I stop relying on people? When? Yes I know that sometimes you have to rely on others. But relying on them all the time isn't good either. I have to light my own flame not rely on the sticks of others. So here we go..its time to light my own flame..over this 4 day weekend I'm going to understand myself better.
I know where I'm going. I just can't get there. Not yet,I need to light those lamps with my own flame. Then I can go down the path..where that leads. Only my flame can tell.
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