Wasting away?

Gahh...JL mann tournament was fun, until ballots arrived. and then everything went down hill, first angry, then pissed off, then sad, then wondering.

The ballot said"you stood up the debate wasn't over thus you're credibility fell, you lost."

Wondering if Tournaments are really worth my time and money. Is it really worth spending 9 hours and 10-20$ just to mis-place and lose because of that.

Is there anybody there that can lift a poor spirit up?

Fear of ....

Myself. I don't know...I've just been feeling so ill prepared for things this week. The AP essay wasn't bad but something just didn't feel right. Riverside was fun..and tiring but still..going 2-2 pretty bad..and I didn't do anything the night before. I dont' even know if I have a chance at district or states. Not only that I'm starting to worry about my grades. Something just seems so uncertain, I hate this feeling. I keep telling myself that I'll bring it up, or I was able too. Now its like..I'm so uncertain, I'm uncertain about school, uncertain about the tests,quizzes,exams(especially world history). I should be studying but I'm not. What is going on??!! I feel so lost..so clouded..my judgement is gone. I don't know what the future is heading towards.

*sigh* I don't know, is life really that good? or have I already given hope on things already.I don't know where I'm going or even where I am? GAhh why do I feel so lost?

Mom came into my room today and said "son I want you to become a doctor, because no matter how bad the economy gets people will always get sick." She also talked about how we could be in troulbe financially and now..I worry that I can't make it to med. school. Yet ever worse I worry that I might not be able to go to college at all because of this economic downfall. I don't know if I can make something I've been dreaming about since I was 8. WHY? why do I feel so lonely? so ill prepared?

I guess my flame is finally going out.....

Stepping stones?

Well..let's see Brookwood was not bad had a great time. Our team did really well 13th out of 54 schools. Our best record yet, went to octa rounds and lost......that's right lost.. Stepping stones maybe? Yeah I guess so but you can also call waking up this morning a stepping stone to. I guess we didn't do to bad, but we could have done better. Let's look at our statistics
Akshay-43 tossups 430 points negged 4 times
Max- 10 tossups 100 points negged 3 times
Tim- 5 tossups 50 negged so many times that he ended up -25
Cyrus- 8 tossups 80 points negged 3 times
Overall score of rounds-170
Hmm not bad right? haha I wish those negs we could have prevented those multiple negs. I guess another stepping stone?

Octa finals last tossups tied at 140....and we lost..........OUCH shot right through the heart. But that could have been prevented easily answer more tossups and bonuses correctly sigh another stepping stone. Thank Ben Cole for bringing our hopes up..I guess my friend was right "humiliation is sometimes needed" I haven't been dedicated to this the way I should be that's my fault. Another stepping stone and this loss really made me want to work harder(great another one). It seems endless . *sigh* an ocean full of them that's life.

Well I guess I have a lot of stepping stones to cross..but its better then studying the pebbles on the shore.